I need to start writing again. I stopped writing in my journal when I started my faith transition. I was suddenly unsure about everything, and I didn't even know what I thought about anything anymore.
I kept a journal from age 16-27, daily for 11 years. I have books and books full of my life during that time.
This is so extremely hard to write about. So painful. The sentences are choppy because I can't even get a full thought out without having to check over my hypothetical shoulder to see if I'm doing it right or if I'm going to offend someone or if I'm going to regret typing this, because I hate making mistakes and I still have no idea what I'm doing.
When you're 100% involved in your religion, you know exactly what you're doing, you have purpose, and you know you're doing what's right. Outside of that religion--after you've had a faith transition--your surety is gone. The absolutes are gone. The black and white, yes or no, right or wrong clarity is removed and you have to make your own decisions and choices and judgment calls; you can't pass that off to your faith organization. And it's hard.
I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings or make anyone doubt or have anyone doubt me (or my motives). Vulnerability is especially tough when you expect those inside your past religion to judge you and assign random reasons for your faith transition that have nothing to do with your actual reasons, and to have zero interest in learning your true reasons.
Yeah, there's a lot of bitterness in there, still. I don't want it to overpower what I really want to say, which is this:
I need to write. I need to let my thoughts out, and let people be in charge of their own feelings. Not worry about editing my words to make sure they look good or sound good. Just be me, and accept myself, and let my story out because IT'S TIME.
When I started learning Spanish while living in Chile, I didn't speak for about 9 months. I spent 9 months listening and saying very few words, and hating Spanish and being very quiet. I just didn't like speaking when I didn't know how, before I knew all the grammar and the accent. And then, after 9 months, when I had learned how to speak Spanish, I started speaking Spanish and I never stopped. I was shaky at first, and I made mistakes, but it seemed like an overnight thing because I had kept quiet for those entire 9 months that I was learning.
I've spent the past few years listening, in a sense, to learn or decide or discover what I believe about God and religion, and I'm finally ready to start speaking. And even though I know the language of my belief, it will take me a while to get fluent speaking about it.
I've spent years researching because I like to know what's true. I was born into a religion that claimed unashamedly that it was the one, true church, above all others, the only correct one, the one needed for salvation, and that I was so privileged and blessed (and responsible to share it with everyone!) because it was right.
I stopped believing in God around age 11, when I woke up crying one night because I dreamt that my mom died, and she laughed when I told her and said, "God won't let me die, he knows you need me too much." I thought she was naive to think God didn't let parents die. God did not care if kids needed their parents because I knew that some kids' parents did die.
I spent the next ten years trying to figure out if there was a God, and trying to decipher my religion. At age 21, I went on a mission for my church because I wanted to go behind the scenes to see if it was true or not. I didn't want any secrets kept from me because I like to know all the information. I still didn't know if there was a God but I was dedicated to finding out.
Exactly one year after I left on my mission, I had an experience that solidified my belief in Jesus Christ as the son of God. That wasn't even the question I had been asking at the time, as my focus was a bit more broad ("Is this the one, true church and are [these specific things] true?"). I didn't get that answer, after daily, repetitive searching and reading and questioning, but I got the answer about Jesus and God, and I let those things domino the other questions I had.
After my mission, I rode the wave from the Jesus/God answer, and I was fully, completed immersed in my religion, in every way possible. I taught new missionaries for two years, I worked at the temple every Saturday for a year, I was president of the women's group at my church, then Sunday school teacher, and one guy broke up with me because I was too churchy. I viewed it as a confirmation that I was on the right path. I was still reading and searching and asking for answers to those questions I had always had, but assuming they were true and that I'd get my answer in time.
No comments:
Post a Comment